Jeffrey Charles Levy

Birthplace:

Norfolk, Virginia

Birthday:

January 28th, the day after Mozart’s and the day before Oprah’s. Go figure.

Age:

Old enough to know better...

Marital status:

Engaged to the lovely Fräulein Anne S.

Nicknames:

Bruno von Älskling, Schatzi and Jeff Leather

Piercings:

My left ear, courtesy of Spencer’s Gift Shop (actually a head shop) in the Military Circle Mall when I was 15

Tattoos:

Currently none, although I have been talked out of FTW more than once

Current Hair Color:

Black Cherry (subject to change without notification)

Guitars:

Catherine (1978 Fender Telecaster), Rebekka (1984 Les Paul Studio), Elizabeth (1991 Ovation Balladeer electric/acoustic), Isabelle (2000 Takamine 12-string electric/acoustic)

Musical background:

My father was completely tone-deaf, while my mother has a beautiful singing voice and played clarinet in her high-school marching band. My first concert (and simultaneous witnessing of the use of marijuana) was ELO’s Out of the Blue tour. Laser good, falsetto bad. Fascinated with Elvis Presley for a number of years and the song “Cheesecake” by Louis Armstrong. 1968 Comeback Elvis, by the way, not Vegas Elvis. Decided to become a rockstar after viewing Adam and the Ants’ “Prince Charming” video and being quite fascinated with androgyny at age 15. Took two guitar lessons, before quitting in disgust, from Tony Saks, the man who managed to get the Beatles to autograph a guitar on their first American tour in 1964, then decided to “increase” its value by having Yoko Ono and Julian Lennon autograph it as well. Ironically, Tony hated rock’n’roll. Need I say more? Several years of listening to punk followed. Didn’t actually learn to play guitar until 1990. Some would say I never did. Inspired by Daniel Ash to use an Ebow and later snagged his guitar pick during the Love And Rockets “Express” tour. Carry it in the studio as a mojo at all times. Have never missed a Peter Murphy solo tour. Mistakenly attended the Stone’s Start Me Up tour with my parents and Bowie’s Sound and Vision “farewell” concert. Never ever went to a Dead show. Apparently, I have a guardian angel. Thrown out of every band I was ever in before this one. Explains a lot.

Education:

A dozen sullen, miserable years at the Norfolk Academy, where I majored in Aryan-Jewish relations in the post-Nuremburg period. B.A. in Political Science from the University of Pennsylvania, M.A. in Teaching of English from Teachers College at Columbia University, M.S.Ed. in TESOL from Lehman College/City University of New York

Languages spoken:

English (obviously), German (fluently), Swedish (passably), French (atrociously)

Languages studied and promptly forgotten:

Latin and Hebrew

Favorite architecture:

Brooklyn Bridge, Chrysler Building, Israeli security fence along the West Bank, Halliburton-Kellogg’s holding pens at Camp X-Ray in Gitmo Bay

Favorite foods:

Moroccan chicken, chicken teriyaki, kung pao chicken, Argentinian steak (well-done) with black peppercorn sauce, spaghetti bolognese, Peppermint Patties, croissants, Fresca (ok, technically a beverage), my mother’s brisket

Favorite films:

The Road Warrior, Planet of the Apes (NOT the Tim Burton version!), The Crow, A Clockwork Orange, Identity, Das Boot, Life of Brian, 9 1/2 Weeks, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, 28 Days Later, Tank Girl, L.A. Confidential, Camille Claudel, Pulp Fiction, Scarface, Schindler’s List, Lost In Translation, The Hunger, Boogie Nights, This is Spinal Tap!, To Kill A Mockingbird, The People vs. Larry Flynt, High Fidelity, Fight Club, and all Porky Pig and Daffy Duck cartoons

Favorite books:

The Great Gatsby, Of Mice And Men, Welcome to the Monkeyhouse, Hamlet

Favorite paintings:

The Young King of the Black Isles by Maxfield Parrish. Any hellish visions by Hieronymous Bosch

Favorite bands/music:

Let’s not go there. No, really. Let’s not.

Sports:

Does sex count? Other than that, skiing, waterskiing and not a whole hell of a lot else.

Random thoughts:

Dogs rule! I don’t drink, smoke or use drugs, as it would interfere with my insanity and ability to remain a control freak. I do bite my nails, though. The oddest job I ever had was as a chauffeur for an escort service in Philly. Whoremongering, surprisingly, is not a marketable job skill outside of politics and rock’n’roll. The U.S. Secret Service file on me is now officially closed. My vision is 20/15 in both eyes thanks to Dr. Ken Moadel. I’m a great archer and a lousy painter. The U.S. Special Forces Handbook contains very simple instructions on how to make home-made napalm and kill a man using a lightbulb. The original name of this band was Kings Of Oblivion, stolen from a line in the song “Bewlay Brothers” on Hunky Dory; luckily, as it turned out, it was already taken. Bungee-jumping was probably not the best idea I ever had. Rollercoasters are so cool! While The Legend itself is true, I did not actually pass up a lucrative career in porn. I’m not with the CIA, but I can lie with a straight face. The gig in Beijing was pretty damn impressive, especially when I came unplugged in front of 12,000 people! I lost my virginity at the tender age of 17 to Miss Iva Lee Winstead, 8 years my senior, in a cheap motel room in Virginia Beach. Menage-a-trois is not as much fun as you would think, logistically speaking. The Kalashnikov AK-47 is far superior to the M-16 in several ways. Simone is absolutely the best and most beautiful prostitute in Amsterdam. Everything about the song “Juggernaut” is 100% true. How the hell did Abraham manage to talk a bunch of sober, grown men into circumcision? If barcodes are indeed the mark of Satan, then the real issue is getting them to scan properly. Why does everything “taste like chicken?” If the wafer and wine literally become the body and blood of Christ during transfiguration, does that make Catholics cannibalistic vampires? Sadly, I owned the white suit and won several disco dancing awards, but I still can’t waltz to save my life. I missed my calling as a stripper. Rumors of my success have been greatly exaggerated. Let’s face it, I was a slut. Never cut the red wire.

Quotes:

Fuck, the fucking fucker’s fucking fucked! You come into this world screaming and covered with blood, and if you know what you’re doing, it doesn’t have to stop there. Jesus-H-Fucking-Christ-on-a-popsicle-stick-sideways! Fortunately, I keep my feathers numbered for just such an occasion. What can I do you for? Turn everything up. It goes to 11. It’s a fine line between stupid and genius. Fuckin’ A. Boat drinks. Manny, shoot this piece of shit. Say hello to my little friend. It’s good to be the king. You wanna get outta here, you talk to me. Well, the world needs ditch-diggers, too. I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m doing. Self-discipline is the yoke of a free man. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. He couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a pound of bananas. I am Fortune’s fool! Veni, vidi, vici. Two Jews, three opinions. I don’t mind being the whore; it’s being the pimp that I find distasteful. After weeks of careful deliberation, I have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people I have ever met to within an inch of their lives. Fuhgeddaboudit.